2018

2018,
You genuinely felt like three years.

There was the winter (Year One).
I was generally happy.
I had a lot of goals.
It was real cold in Idaho, but I loved the people there.
I didn't fully appreciate it all, though.


Then there was the summer (Year Two).
Depression hit.
Anxiety hit.
I felt like I had been misplaced from home, wherever that was.
It was real hot in Arizona, and I missed my friends.
I didn't fully realize what I had, though.


Then there was fall (Year Three).
I was back in Idaho.
My anxiety didn't really go away.
I was experiencing a real fall, and the weather was beautiful.
I was back and forth from Idaho and Arizona (for school and holidays).
I still don't know what I want, though.

2018, you've been an interesting one.

You were the year of comfort, of waiting for tomorrow, or the right moment. You were the year of many unfinished goals.

2019's gonna be different.

December, pt. ii

The last few weeks came and went too fast.

I was so excited for the semester to be over, and then it was, and then a new one is beginning too soon.

You brought some goodbyes, December. You brought a lot of ideas. You brought some stress and some turmoil, but you also brought some relief.

You brought me family. You brought me Christmas, my favorite holiday. I can celebrate my Savior, and all He's done for me.

I want to remember the feeling of Christmas, of service, and of celebrating Christ, not only during the Christmas season, but all year round.

Well, that's it, December, I guess you're over.

I'm not quite ready, January, but am I ever?

December

Hey, December.

This is a few days late.

You've already thrown me for a number loops, December, so you should be an interesting one.

It's the holidays, my apartment's all decorated and ready, and I'm ready for this semester to be over with. You're bringing that to me this month.

I still don't really know what I want.

...

We're workin on it.

November, pt. ii

November largely can be summed up by Maggie Rogers' Light on. It was full of lots of anxiety, but lots people and things to help me cope. 

Would you believe me now 
If I told you I got caught up in a wave?
Almost gave it away
Would you hear me out 
If I told you I was terrified for days?
Thought I was gonna break

Oh, I couldn't stop it
Tried to slow it all down
Crying in the bathroom
Had to figure it out
With everyone around me saying
"You must be so happy now"

Oh, if you keep reaching out
Then I'll keep coming back
And if you're gone for good
Then I'm okay with that
If you leave the light on
Then I'll leave the light on
And I am finding out
There's just no other way
That I'm still dancing at the end of the day
If you leave the light on
Then I'll leave the light on

And do you believe me now 
That I always had the best intentions, babe?
Always wanted to stay
Can you feel me now 
That I'm vulnerable in oh-so many ways?
Oh, and I'll never change

Oh, I couldn't stop it
Tried to figure it out
But everything kept moving
And the noise got too loud
With everyone around me saying
"You should be so happy now"

Oh, if you keep reaching out
Then I'll keep coming back
And if you're gone for good
Then I'm okay with that
And if you leave the light on
Then I'll leave the light on
And I am finding out
There's just no other way
That I'm still dancing at the end of the day
And if you leave the light on
Then I'll leave the light on

Oh, leave the light on
Oh, would you leave the light on?

If you keep reaching out
Then I'll keep coming back
But if you're gone for good
Then I'm okay with that
If you leave the light on
Then I'll leave the light on
And I am finding out
There's just no other way
That I'm still dancing at the end of the day
If you leave the light on
Then I'll leave the light on

Maggie Rogers - Light On

November

Hey there, November.

I can't believe there's two months left of this year. 2018's been an interesting one.

I've been listening to Christmas music all week, but I'm glad at least now it's at least a little more acceptable than before.

The cold is coming. It's supposed to snow on Sunday, the fourth. This time I think it might actually be true. It's been bitter cold and I dread winter more and more each time the temperature drops even one degree.

We hope and pray I don't drop out of school this month.

I get to go home this month. I get to see my babies, my family. I get to stuff my face with turkey and stuffing and pie. And I get to escape the cold for a little bit.

I've been pretty homesick, November. It's hard to imagine going home to not my home. I keep envisioning the holidays in my beloved childhood home, and then I'm suddenly hit with the realization that that's not home anymore. But really I just want to see my family.

I don't really know what to expect from you, November. Mostly a lot of Christmas spirit: music, Hallmark movies, food. And probably some stress.

October, pt. ii

October,

You brought the first snow, but not on that first Tuesday like we thought. It was yesterday, your last day. Luckily it didn't stick. The first hint of winter.

Your weather was actually wonderful. 50s, 60s. I've been holding on to every bit of this fall weather before the hell that is Idaho's winter hits us.

You brought a lot of hardships, October. Some mid-life crises... at nineteen. (I'm writing this in English 301, so that should tell you something about how this semester is going.)

But, October, you also brought a lot of fun and love. My first fall. Some new friends.

Thank you.

October

Hey, October.

It's getting colder, and the leaves are finally changing.

I had my first sip of hot chocolate last night, and we're making pumpkin cookies tonight to really kick in the fall festivities.

It's supposed to snow next Tuesday, and I'm not looking forward to that.

But, October, you're one of my beloved months, one of those months I'm in Rexburg.

We'll see what you bring, October.

September, pt. ii

September's been a good month.

Man, did I miss Idaho like nothing else. It feels so good to be back. Everything just went right back to normal, right back to how I left it.

There were those random differences, that left me with pangs of missing people, or memories, but even with those it's what I wanted; it's exactly what I expected.

Some pictures.