Home

if you look really closely you can see me in the tv

this post has been through a few drafts

...

This city's gonna break my heart
This city's gonna love me then leave me alone
This city's got me chasing stars
It's been a couple months since I felt like I'm home
Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong?
This City - Sam Fischer

...

Home is a concept I've been thinking a lot about for the past six months.

Growing up I lived in one place. One state, one city, one home. Then I turned 18, graduated, and went off to college. I moved myself to Rexburg, Idaho. And I immediately felt at home. I loved it, that place. My school, my apartment, my roommates. But the end of that first year came and I was so anxious to get home. A lot had happened in that year, really that last semester, and I thought going home would fix all of my problems.

...

In a new town, got the same issues to work through,
turns out when you move you just take 'em all with you,
Now I'm missin (Rexburg)
Kansas City - The Mowgli's

...

The second I stepped foot off that plane, I felt displaced. Lost, upset. My parents picked me up, I was excited to see them, I was excited to see my whole family really. They took me home and I went to my room, trying not to cry. I had been dying to get back here for a month. What the heck was wrong with me?

All of my problems seemed to magnify when I was away from them. I wasn't expecting that. To be honest, I was expecting the opposite.

I tried to feel at home but was struggling. That feeling of displacement never went away. My home of 18 years didn't feel so much like home anymore.

Then, we moved.

We packed up our stuff and moved 7 minutes east. My childhood home wasn't mine any longer.

The new house still doesn't feel like home.

I went back to Idaho for a weekend, a wedding. And it was the most homely I had felt in three months. We weren't even in Rexburg, but fifteen minutes outside of it. I felt at home. I don't know how to explain that. But I knew I belong in Idaho.

Now this summer has been five months. I lost my best friend to a mission, and the rest of my friends were still at school in various places. I've been lucky enough to make some great new friends here in Arizona. I am so grateful for those people. I would not have been able to get through these five months without them, They made me feel like I could belong here, when I was struggling to feel any sense of belonging at all.

Coming "home" for me five months ago meant coming to see my family and my desert, and running from my problems. Though my problems arrived before me I think. In two weeks I will be headed "home" to a different place, but I still feel like I'm running from my problems, or at least from that feeling of displacement. I hope to find my own definition of "home" soon.

...

The wind is at my back
But my feet—they're stuck in cement
I try to live without regrets
But I always have to ask

So, Jesus, take me home
'Cause I'm afraid of messing up
'Cause everything that I got
Is from You

And it feels like I'm falling
And I don't know where I'll land
It feels like I'm falling
Would you please just take my hand

It feels like I'm falling
And I don't know where I'll land
It feels like I'm falling
Would you help me to understand

'Cause I've been waiting
'Round this town for too long
Wasting all my time
And my energy

If I don't leave by winter
I'll get snowed in
I gotta pack my bags
So I can leave...

... Oh, I gotta pack my bags
So I can leave
Falling - Michigander

Drafts

I have a lot of drafts on this little blog. Unposted, half-written posts that never made it to the World Wide Web. Some too personal, some unfinished.

I want to start blogging again, writing.

I hate writing, but this is therapeutic.

So, here we go.

September

Hello September,

I've been waiting for you for a long, long time.
It's been a long summer. Five months, too long. It's not over yet, but it's over this month, hallelujah.
I'm excited for what you'll bring. Cooler weather, leaves falling, school starting. I can't wait.
I've been longing for you, September.

Can't wait to see what's in store,
Sarah

Life Changes

Last time I posted on this blog was January 1, 2016. It's been a year, ten months and nine days since then. I've neglected this little blog, huh?

But boy, have things changed since that day.

Senior year.
I became an adult.
I graduated high school.
I moved (out) for the first time ever.
I started college.

I live in Rexburg, Idaho now. It's windy and chilly and sometimes I joke about wondering why I moved here, but I really do love it.

I've done a lot of growing and learning in this last year, ten months, and nine days. And I like who I've become.

Here I am now.

Sarah

2016

Twenty Fifteen went by wayyyyyyyyyy too fast. I swear I was just planning out my year and now here I am planning another one!

This last year, I got my license, went on dates and to dances (sayyy wha???), and started my junior year of high school - all of which makes me feel like a granny and went right along with the plan, but as for the rest of the year, nothing went completely how I thought it would! My favorite memories of this year, though, are definitely the ones made with my closest friends! In 2015, I became closer to so many of the right friends, and also made so many new friends - all of whom I am ridiculously grateful for. That is one of the greatest lessons from my 2015 - the importance of friendship and having right friends!

Now on to 2016! To ring in the New Year, I went to the weekly ASL class with the signing missionaries (another one of my favorite new things from 2015), then went to my friend Brandon's house and played games (Telestrations is the funniest game with friends, I promise), spent midnight at Haley's playing Do You Love Your Neighbor and drinking Martinelli's apple cider, and finally, went to my house for the annual pancake breakfast at 1 am. It was quite the New Year's Eve.

cheers to 2016!

My goals for the New Year include:

a. Document my life more (blogging, journal writing, picture-taking, video-making)
b. Be more creative! (be inspired)
c. Go on loads of adventures + be spontaneous
d. Meet more people + make more friends!
e. Stay healthy
f. Go to the temple weekly

ALSO - every year I deem a song the song of the new year. It's always my ultimate jam at the time and helps me get in the right mood for the new year. This year I chose 'I Feel Good' by Thomas Rhett. Jammmmmmm.

Let the adventure of this new year begin! :)