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| if you look really closely you can see me in the tv |
...
This city's gonna break my heart
This city's gonna love me then leave me alone
This city's got me chasing stars
It's been a couple months since I felt like I'm home
Am I getting closer to knowing where I belong?
This City - Sam Fischer
...
Home is a concept I've been thinking a lot about for the past six months.
Growing up I lived in one place. One state, one city, one home. Then I turned 18, graduated, and went off to college. I moved myself to Rexburg, Idaho. And I immediately felt at home. I loved it, that place. My school, my apartment, my roommates. But the end of that first year came and I was so anxious to get home. A lot had happened in that year, really that last semester, and I thought going home would fix all of my problems.
...
In a new town, got the same issues to work through,
turns out when you move you just take 'em all with you,
Now I'm missin (Rexburg)
Kansas City - The Mowgli's
...
The second I stepped foot off that plane, I felt displaced. Lost, upset. My parents picked me up, I was excited to see them, I was excited to see my whole family really. They took me home and I went to my room, trying not to cry. I had been dying to get back here for a month. What the heck was wrong with me?
All of my problems seemed to magnify when I was away from them. I wasn't expecting that. To be honest, I was expecting the opposite.
I tried to feel at home but was struggling. That feeling of displacement never went away. My home of 18 years didn't feel so much like home anymore.
Then, we moved.
We packed up our stuff and moved 7 minutes east. My childhood home wasn't mine any longer.
The new house still doesn't feel like home.
I went back to Idaho for a weekend, a wedding. And it was the most homely I had felt in three months. We weren't even in Rexburg, but fifteen minutes outside of it. I felt at home. I don't know how to explain that. But I knew I belong in Idaho.
Now this summer has been five months. I lost my best friend to a mission, and the rest of my friends were still at school in various places. I've been lucky enough to make some great new friends here in Arizona. I am so grateful for those people. I would not have been able to get through these five months without them, They made me feel like I could belong here, when I was struggling to feel any sense of belonging at all.
Coming "home" for me five months ago meant coming to see my family and my desert, and running from my problems. Though my problems arrived before me I think. In two weeks I will be headed "home" to a different place, but I still feel like I'm running from my problems, or at least from that feeling of displacement. I hope to find my own definition of "home" soon.
...
The wind is at my back
But my feet—they're stuck in cement
I try to live without regrets
But I always have to ask
So, Jesus, take me home
'Cause I'm afraid of messing up
'Cause everything that I got
Is from You
And it feels like I'm falling
And I don't know where I'll land
It feels like I'm falling
Would you please just take my hand
It feels like I'm falling
And I don't know where I'll land
It feels like I'm falling
Would you help me to understand
'Cause I've been waiting
'Round this town for too long
Wasting all my time
And my energy
If I don't leave by winter
I'll get snowed in
I gotta pack my bags
So I can leave...
... Oh, I gotta pack my bags
So I can leave
Falling - Michigander
