August

August,

The goodbyes have already started.

Alicia left on August 1st at 5AM. That was hard for everyone.

As she said her goodbyes to the kids, to Sylvia, and to us, it felt like I was saying goodbye not only to her, but with her.

Now that she's gone, we all feel like we're just waiting for the end.

I have had an amazing time in Mexico. It was a much-needed experience. I have learned a lot about myself, a lot about (my) mental health, and a lot about others.

I've been thinking a lot about the plan I had laid out for my life, and I'm tempted to scrap it all.

Soon after I came to Mexico (mind you, with a major goal to work on my photography while here and to grow my business after returning), I stopped doing photography. At least in the traditional sense. I haven't even touched my camera since the second day we were here. I have taken many photos on my phone that I love, but for myself personally more than anything. They are artistic, surely, but they hold memories for myself.

I think I had been forcing myself to believe I still liked photography in the way I wanted to. It was the only thing I was interested in for a very, very long time, and therefore the only thing I could see myself having a career in. But I have always struggled with it. It has always caused me more anxiety than joy. I never felt like I was good enough to make it in that field, but I was always trying to. And ever since starting my anxiety medication (which I hoped/thought would help with my complicated relationship with this hobby), I have had no desire to continue photography. Truth is, I like the aesthetics of photography, and I like the memories the photos I take for myself have, for me.

Basically, I think I might sell my camera, and I have no idea what I want to do with my life.

I'm still dreading going back to school (school seems to be the only constant lately - in the fact that I hate it). I'm trying to hold out hope that this semester will be better because of my medication, but now I don't even know if I'm in the right major (something I was very confident about before). It has a lot to do with visual arts, but I'm not sure if that as a career or even major is good for me anymore.

Anddddd I'm still trying to turn traveling into a career.

Anyway August, thanks for being one I can tell these things to. I hope to figure some of it out this month with you.

Sarah