September, yr. ii

So September,

We meet again.

I have been doing this writing-a-letter-to-every-month thing for a year now.

It started one year ago, spontaneously, as a desperate way to try to describe and get out how I was feeling, when I felt very misplaced, confused, anxious, upset, not happy with where I was, and I wasn't about to be satisfied with what I thought I wanted.

I remember the feeling of last summer very well; I was desperate to get out. Nothing had been going right or well for months. I finally got back to Idaho, my beloved Idaho, and things felt kinda weird but really good. I was happy to finally be in where I thought my happy place was. But little did I know that I was starting the school year from hell.

My anxiety wasn't fixed by being in my "happy place." It was momentarily subsided, and then came back with a vengeance (It's all easier to see this in hindsight) By November I was in it. Crying in bathroom stalls before having to go to work, or class, or home. Basically on the verge on an anxiety attack 24/7.

Finally, (months later), I figured it out. I picked my life up enough to barely pass my classes and move home and get some anxiety medication (bless the heavens), and then to move to Mexico to figure out my life even more.

Man, did that all help.

I know this first-of-the-month letter is supposed to be looking to the future but bear with me a moment.

A year ago, I thought being "home" would help me fix my problems. I didn't know what home was or where I really belonged. But I'm here to report that now, in September 2019, I'm figuring it out.

And it feels good.

September, I'm excited and scared for you all at once.

Excited for the crisp fall air (yes I know I just said I'd miss the heat in my response to August but leave me alone). I'm excited to go to pumpkin patches and pick apples and do all things fall. I'm excited to see how I am in school now that I have my medication. I'm excited to make more friends and (hopefully) meet new boys.

I'm scared for school all at the same time though. What if I still hate it? What if I'm still burnt out and I can't get through it?

I'm here to remind myself that I have options. I'm here to remind myself that I can change my mind. I'm here to remind myself that I can do anything. I'm here to remind myself that I did get through everything.

I've got this, September.